Why This Book?
Reason #1: IDENTIFYAnyone who has ever found themselves repeating dysfunctional patterns that has cause problems in their life and relationships, and then wonder "Why do I do that?" or "Why am I like this?" is likely to experiencing habitual subconscious programming that has been referred to as Adult-Child Syndrome. Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome is geared toward surfacing the underlying patterns of behavior and limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in unproductive relationships, the original wounds of abandonment, shame, and contempt, and how our subconscious mind adapted to the unique circumstances of our childhood by creating survival skills that now interfere with healthy coping. Awareness is 60% of change - action is the other 40%. Take action today; read this book and identify the origins of your relationship problems.
Reason #2: INTERRUPTHealthy relationships consist of stable, effective, and authentic patterns of interaction that must be learned. These were not fully modeled if you grew up with wounded parents - wounded people, wound people. Thawing Adult-Child Syndrome focuses in on the "here-and-now" symptoms of dysfunction in our adult life and relationships. This insight-oriented program helps bring one's "Inner Family of Self" & "Life Script" to the surface so that appropriate changes can be made. Learn about your personal set of roles, rules, and drivers that cause so much discord. Once you have identified how these ineffective relationship cycles and patterns play out in your case, you can learn ways to interrupt them long enough to insert new, flexible, and resourceful choices that will bring stability and authentic intimacy into your life.
Reason #3: INTERVENEIdentification and interruption of dysfunctional patterns opens up space to insert something new. It is critical that you establish a good understanding of your own inner landscape in order to develop plans and goals for where and how to focus your changes. Thawing Adult-Child Syndrome offers tools and interventions geared toward healing the relationship with self, which is based upon the idea that "One cannot have a healthy relationship with others until they first develop a healthy relationship with themselves." NOTE: It is very important to develop what I call a "safe container" in which to do this work because, like any other healing process, there is pain involved with treatment or intervention of any kind. A safe container may consist of supportive friends & family, a 12-step group, a church group, a therapist, etc.
Reason #4: INITIATEWe all just instinctively know that healing is a journey, even when we entertain fantasies about changes taking place overnight. At first it gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. Reading and completing the exercises in Thawing Adult-Child Syndrome is an excellent way to begin your journey! Once you develop and implement effective interventions designed to replace the roles, rules, and drivers of your personal dysfunction you will be well on your way. You can give up relationship mind games and engage in authentic intimacy. There is further help when you are ready in the remaining books in the Thawing the Iceberg Series: Thaw - Freedom from Frozen Feelings, Thawing Childhood Abandonment Issues, and Thawing Toxic Relationships. (click on the links to explore these titles)
Summary of Contents
Chapter 1This first chapter covers Childhood dependency needs, motivational forces that compel a child to adapt to the dysfunction of the home, and the Iceberg Model as a structure to map out what happens when these needs and forces are not fully respected and attended to by attentive, healthy, and available parents. (So that it is NOT required to own all 4 Books In the series, each book begins with these first 5 chapters - the Iceberg Model.)
Chapters 2 - 4This section describes abandonment issues, shame, and contempt as elements of the emotional wounding referred to herein as the "False Self." The art of survival, the "True Self", and the creative adaptations in the psyche and behavior of the child aka the "Invented Self" are also explored. Section I of the workbook (below) takes the reader on an assessment process to identify how their wounds were acquired in their case and how they cause problems in adulthood.
Chapters 5 - 6These chapters review the various distractions and dependencies developed over time to avoid contact with the pain; namely addictions, obsessions, and compulsions. Codependent control maneuvers such as the Drama Triangle, Enabling Trap, Distance & Pursuit Game, and the Punishment/Forgiveness Cycle are also covered here.
Workbook Section IThis section involves an assessment process to help the reader identify how these wounds are acquired in their unique situation and how they continue to cause problems in adulthood. The concepts of Internalization and Externalization of the original pain of abandonment issues, toxic shame and contempt is also reviewed. Readers will discover what their standard operating procedure is in this area - most will find that they internalize abandonment, shame and/or contempt until they reach a personal threshold where they "blow up" and externalize it by dumping on someone else - usually whoever they are closest to.
Workbook Section IIThis section explores and assesses the inner family of self through the use of ego-states as identified in Transactional Analysis. The inner family of self can be likened to an outer family system - there are spoken and unspoken rule, various roles that are assigned to each member or "part" of the family, and a system to enforce the rules and roles most noticeable in the self talk of the "critical Parent" part aka the inner critic. The reader will come away with a snap shot of what I refer to as the current configuration of their personality. I say "current" because the configuration of the self can change, especially when "family therapy" is properly applied.
Workbook Section IIIThe final sections provide the reader with opportunities to move out of self-preservation (survival mode) into self-actualization (growth & healing mode.) The adaptations made that created the rules, roles, and drivers, i.e., the dynamics of Adult-Child Syndrome must be released and replaced with the dynamics of authenticity. This does not mean that you will never need or use these old survival skills because healing is not about subtracting skills - it is about EXPANDING skills to include those consistent with authentic intimacy. The author's Udemy.com course "Thawing the Inner Family of Self" is based upon this book. Check it out here to learn more about the program.
Testimonials & Reviews
I'm about a quarter of the way into the book and already with the first two exercises I've gained great insight into myself. I can see where this is going in a lot of aspects and am unsure what the next step is at the same time I know it's a step forward. This in my opinion is a great read for parents, people trying to better themselves,or people trying to escape/break unhealthy habits; i.e., chemical dependencies, harmful relationships, gambling, or any number of things we throw ourselves into to escape our problems.- Portia James-McKnight
Why do we act the way we do? Read the Thaw series and find out. It's more than a "get in touch with your inner child" set of books. The books are a great, non-threatening way to understand yourself and pick away at unwanted emotional baggage. A great bargain! It's not easy to delve into painful past memories. Even those of us with fairly mild and remembered happy, healthy upbringing will be able to reach inside to uncover--not make up, but peel away--layers of learned behavior we've developed to protect ourselves from emotional pain inflicted by others.- Lisa J. Lickel
This book and the www.internet-of-the-mind.com website helped me to understand and deal with relationship problems,addictive behavior and anxiety.These behavior patterns were rooted in being raised in an ineffective family unit. The excellence of Don Carter's books lies in practical step-by-step uncovering of problems of the past. He includes audio and internet materials to provide a great healing package. The audio materials [Sold separately - Click Here] include relaxation techniques and visualization, which are so important to "still and quiet the soul" so that "renewing of the mind" can take place.- Graham W.
...As a therapist and coach who uses transactional analysis with my own clients, I'm always glad to see books written for the general public that apply this particular way of understanding human behavior and interactions... Simple diagrams illustrate the concepts to help the reader grasp Carter's theory. Self-exploratory questions engage the reader in a process of dissecting personal scabs, infections, and wounds, detecting ego states, and identifying motivating triggers for ineffective behaviors.-Deah Curry, Ph.D